By Abigail Thomas
Many caregivers face a classic dilemma: Do I keep my survivor at home—at great expense to my own life—or do I place him where he will receive professional care around the clock? In some situations, there’s no choice; the survivor’s simply too impaired to live at home. But when there is a choice, how do we decide? How much of ourselves do we give to our survivors?
This is the situation Abigail Thomas faced when her husband, Rich, was struck by a car after dashing into the street to retrieve their dog. Thomas, like other caregivers, came to realize that there is only one person who can resolve this classic dilemma—the principal caregiver who lives with the survivor every hour of every day.
Thomas brought her husband home when he completed his outpatient rehabilitation and hired around-the-clock home health aides. At times, Rich was gentle and sweet, but soon he became delusional. One morning he woke up believing he had an appointment with the Gestapo. He became psychotic, paranoid, angry, and aggressive. For Thomas, keeping Rich home was not an option.
A Three Dog Life is the story of how Thomas adjusts to the ramifications of her decision. She bought a home just 20 minutes from where Rich now lives. She visits him often. Once a week, she brings Rich home where he visits with her, their daughter, and granddaughter. They have a routine. They eat lunch and do the dishes. Maybe they take a walk. Rich, Thomas writes, "is calm now, he has settled comfortably into his skin, often he is merry, the rages flown, the terrors abated."
Thomas is married and she is not married. She has learned to live alone and enjoy it. For company, she has her dogs, first one, then two, and finally a third, to keep her warm on winter nights.
Has she conquered her guilt? I don't think so. But she has learned to live with it. I don't think any of us caregivers are ever truly free of guilt. We always wonder if there’s more we can do for our survivor. Reading A Three Dog Life will remind you that no one can be the perfect caregiver. Our survivors will always have a brain injury and we will always be only human.